I’ve been reading The Science of Stuck by Britt Frank, and a chapter on friendships landed really deeply for me.
The author talks about how adult friendships naturally become more complex than childhood ones which makes so much sense when I think about the responsibilities, commitments, and emotional load of adult life. Add neurodivergence into the mix, and everything becomes even more layered.
Through my own therapeutic work, I’m realising how my capacity for unconditional positive regard has sometimes shaped unhealthy dynamics. I can see now how certain friendships created unspoken roles expectations about who I should be for them, and perhaps who they thought they needed to be for me.
I’ve become more protective of my availability, not out of disconnection but out of self-awareness. The author describes the “Scorpion friend,” and I felt so seen someone who doesn’t need constant contact and who can easily become socially saturated.
I’m also noticing how this hasn’t always aligned with what others wanted from me. Some people needed me to be someone I’m simply not. And masking myself to meet those expectations is something I’m no longer willing (or able) to do.
This chapter helped me see, with more clarity and less self-blame, that some friendships were shaped around what I could provide financially, practically, or emotionally. Those dynamics were transactional.
Stepping back is allowing me to see who remains because they value me, not what I can offer. And if some people drift away, that simply creates space for relationships that feel mutual, nourishing, and authentic.
The author’s words gave me permission I didn’t even know I needed:
💜 Permission to see friends infrequently
💜 Permission to accept that friendships naturally ebb and flow
💜 Permission to enjoy different levels of closeness with different people
💜 Permission to disengage from relationships that are consistently high-conflict
💜 Permission to leave gatherings early or honour my social limits
💜 Permission to step back from friendships that drain my energy
💜 Permission to resist guilt or pressure to meet others’ expectations
Ultimately, I’m learning that protecting my energy, my authenticity, and my emotional wellbeing isn’t selfish it’s essential for building relationships that are healthy for everyone involved.
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