I recently read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which explores the dual control model of sexual response a research-based framework developed by Bancroft and Janssen (2000). It suggests that our experience of sexual desire is governed by two systems.
✅ the accelerator, which responds to cues of interest, safety, and connection, and
❌ the brake, which reacts to anything that feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or emotionally off.
Both systems are completely normal and necessary. They work together sometimes in harmony, sometimes in tension to shape how we experience intimacy.
Many people assume that when they “go off” ⛔️ intimacy, it means something is wrong, that they’ve fallen out of love 💔 lost attraction, or are somehow broken.
In reality, their inhibition system (the brakes) ❌ might simply be more active in that moment. Our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe, and when something feels “off,” desire naturally steps back.
In today’s language, we often call this “getting the ick.” 🤢 But from a psychological point of view, it’s often just your brakes doing their job.
When I reflected on my own patterns, I noticed that certain things reliably activate my brakes ❌ poor hygiene, sexual innuendo, unsolicited explicit photos, or interactions with someone who shows little emotional intelligence. Those cues switch off ⛔️ any sense of openness or curiosity for me.
On the other hand, I’ve also become more aware of my accelerators ✅ the things that help me feel connected, seen, and safe. Acts of service, small gestures that show someone has thought of me, genuine kindness toward animals, and emotional sensitivity are all cues that draw me closer 💜
Another important one is when someone can enjoy genuine connection without assuming it’s romantic or sexual that emotional respect feels grounding and safe. (I feel this is misconstrued especially in male friends I’ve had)
Understanding your own brakes ❌ and accelerators ✅ can transform how you view 👀 intimacy. Instead of judging yourself (“why don’t I feel like it?”) or your partner (“what’s wrong with us?”), you can approach it with curiosity and compassion.
Our desire systems are not fixed; they’re responsive to context, safety, and emotional connection. When we understand what activates and inhibits us, we can navigate intimacy with more awareness and much less self-blame. 💕
A Reflective Takeaway
Take a moment to notice what your own accelerators ✅ and brakes ❌ might be. Which moments make you feel safe, desired, or connected and which leave you feeling tense or disconnected?
Becoming aware of these patterns isn’t about fixing or changing yourself; it’s about understanding how your unique system works. From that awareness, intimacy can grow in a way that feels authentic, safe, and deeply human.
#relationships #sexlife #sexualdrive #intimacy #selfawareness #counselling #noshamejustsupport #nojudging #YouAreNotBroken
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