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When did we start to believe that to make children behave the way we want, we must first make them feel bad? 0 CommentsComment on Facebook
I recently read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which explores the dual control model of sexual response a research-based framework developed by Bancroft and Janssen (2000). It suggests that our experience of sexual desire is governed by two systems. 1 CommentComment on Facebook That is really interesting. Plenty of food for thought. Thank you for sharing.
Becoming Boundaried when an image talks so loudly to you. Does this resonate with anyone else?In order for such a relationship to work, you must constantly find ways to shrink smaller, become more silent, and need even less. 0 CommentsComment on Facebook
www.facebook.com/share/1B91wTchBh/?mibextid=wwXIfr NeuroWild helpful to us all especially if we work in schools 🙏🏻 0 CommentsComment on Facebook
I had the privilege of experiencing the most wonderful sound bath by Our Sacred Sun I can highly recommend 0 CommentsComment on Facebook
Think of the last time you made a mistake.
What helped you learn more? Being shamed and punished for what you did?
Or being taught the skill you needed to learn so you didn’t make the same mistake again? Let’s extend the same grace and teaching to our kids that we hope others will give us.
Nurtured First
✅ the accelerator, which responds to cues of interest, safety, and connection, and
❌ the brake, which reacts to anything that feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or emotionally off.
Both systems are completely normal and necessary. They work together sometimes in harmony, sometimes in tension to shape how we experience intimacy.
Many people assume that when they “go off” ⛔️ intimacy, it means something is wrong, that they’ve fallen out of love 💔 lost attraction, or are somehow broken.
In reality, their inhibition system (the brakes) ❌ might simply be more active in that moment. Our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe, and when something feels “off,” desire naturally steps back.
In today’s language, we often call this “getting the ick.” 🤢 But from a psychological point of view, it’s often just your brakes doing their job.
When I reflected on my own patterns, I noticed that certain things reliably activate my brakes ❌ poor hygiene, sexual innuendo, unsolicited explicit photos, or interactions with someone who shows little emotional intelligence. Those cues switch off ⛔️ any sense of openness or curiosity for me.
On the other hand, I’ve also become more aware of my accelerators ✅ the things that help me feel connected, seen, and safe. Acts of service, small gestures that show someone has thought of me, genuine kindness toward animals, and emotional sensitivity are all cues that draw me closer 💜
Another important one is when someone can enjoy genuine connection without assuming it’s romantic or sexual that emotional respect feels grounding and safe. (I feel this is misconstrued especially in male friends I’ve had)
Understanding your own brakes ❌ and accelerators ✅ can transform how you view 👀 intimacy. Instead of judging yourself (“why don’t I feel like it?”) or your partner (“what’s wrong with us?”), you can approach it with curiosity and compassion.
Our desire systems are not fixed; they’re responsive to context, safety, and emotional connection. When we understand what activates and inhibits us, we can navigate intimacy with more awareness and much less self-blame. 💕
A Reflective Takeaway
Take a moment to notice what your own accelerators ✅ and brakes ❌ might be. Which moments make you feel safe, desired, or connected and which leave you feeling tense or disconnected?
Becoming aware of these patterns isn’t about fixing or changing yourself; it’s about understanding how your unique system works. From that awareness, intimacy can grow in a way that feels authentic, safe, and deeply human.
#relationships #sexlife #sexualdrive #intimacy #selfawareness #counselling #noshamejustsupport #nojudging #YouAreNotBroken
In fact, you’ll be made to feel selfish and wrong for having any needs at all.
Can you relate?
My friends, this is not love.
And this is not what *real* relationships are all about, either.
What can we do to help ourselves in this dynamic?
That’s what becoming boundaried is all about.
Until we learn exactly where we start and stop, we will be vulnerable to someone else telling us where the lines are.
And (unfortunately) there are some people out there who won’t mind telling you EXACTLY where they think your boundary lines ought to be…☹️
And if we keep listening to them, we will get smaller and smaller and smaller and then wonder where we went.
Oh, my compassionate friend.
You are here for so much more than this.
❤️
Molly
Therapist & Boundaries Guide
If you resonate with this message and you know it's time to up-level your boundaries, you might love my Mini-Course.
Get details here:
boundaried.com/breakthrough ✨
Let’s always be curious and ask the why?
Extremely soothing for the nervous system and very relaxing and can help support you on your healing journey.